


I am a Woman

by Sonamae



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Humanstuck, Trans Character, sadfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-19 16:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonamae/pseuds/Sonamae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calliope isn't happy with her body or her non-exsistant love life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am a Woman

**Author's Note:**

> Idk I wanted fic.

 You live with two other people and you have never felt more alone or alienated in your entire life.  It’s not just because of your gender identity either, or your body issues, but more along the lines of the people you live with make your chest ache.  First, there’s your brother’s boyfriend who doesn’t really live there but stays over enough that he might as well, and he’s great and all but he won’t be here much longer.  He’s also always getting into fights with your brother about their ‘open relationship’ thing.

 

 Listening to them yell makes you want to smack them upside the head.

 

 Then there’s Jane, and… well, you don’t _dislike_ Jane.  In fact, you’re rather _fond_ of her!  She bakes constantly, she cleans like there’ no tomorrow, she’d cut off her right hand if you needed it, and she’s your best friend!

 

 But…

 

 She’s _dating_ the love of your _life_.

 

 She knows you’re in love with your other roommate too, knows you love Roxy.  Then again, she’s always had a better chance with Roxy than you ever did.  That’s why you aren’t mad at her for being with the woman you’d give your soul to.

 

 She was born a woman after all, and you… weren’t.

 

 Where she has curves and a naturally petite frame, you don’t.  You get to stare at your flat chest in the mirror every morning before your shower, try fruitlessly to get the bulge in your underwear to go away and never fill with blood _ever_.  You slouch to make your shoulders look less like broad fucking tanks ready to be on the football team, and it only works half of the time.  Hell, you even grew your hair out, and sometimes when you feel really bad about the mess it is you just wear wigs.

 

 You shave your body like it’s a religion, pluck your eyebrows, wear false breasts with every outfit.  You hate your body and you hate your _life_ , so why not go to great lengths to try and feel comfortable?

 

 Your brother is the only one you’ll talk to about it, but he’s too busy being fucked or fucking someone to care that his twin is having a giant cluster fuck of issues with even looking in the mirror every morning.

 

 When you were younger you attempted suicide several times, you’re not even going to sugar coat it.  Caliborn got you help, and then introduced you to Roxy because she is best friends with his boyfriend.  And Roxy… she took one look at you and sad ‘You are so beautiful my lady, are your eyes naturally that green?’

 

 She’s never called you by male pronouns, never said your legal name, even when she’s drunk off her rocker she still introduces you as a woman.

 

 “This is my girl Calli.”

 

 You’d been so in _love_ with her, and when you found out she liked girls your heart had nearly exploded.  She’d asked you to move in with her and Jane.  Then Dirk offered to join you all from time to tome, probably because your brother wanted someone to keep an eye on you, but you didn’t care.  You were closer to Roxy.

 

 But then you weren’t because you had trouble adjusting, and you started talking to Jane.  She was your confidant, still is when she can drag herself away from Roxy, and yet…

 

 You told her you liked Roxy and she had told you to go for it.  You’d planned it all, and the day before you were going to confess, Jane told you she was in love with Roxy.  There was nothing to say, you’d just turned her around and shoved her at the blond as she walked into the hallway, then locked yourself in the bathroom.  Dirk joined you after picking the lock, which didn’t surprise you at all, but he hugged you and you thought everything would be okay.

 

 It wasn’t.

 

 It wasn’t at _all!_

 

 Your gender issue exploded in your face when one of Jane’s friends came over and asked ‘Who’s the big guy in the hallway’ because you’d walked out without fake breasts or a skirt or even a wig.  You don’t normally _do_ that, but you’d finally gotten comfortable.  No one came to check on you when you hid in your room for the rest of the night, and you didn’t blame them.

 

 The next day it was nothing but Jane and Roxy nuzzling close on the couch while you waited for Dirk to get back so you could borrow his car and drive it off a cliff.  Only not really because you promised never to even _think_ that way after seeing your brother covered in your own blood and trying to cover your wrists so they’d stop bleeding.  You’d never seen him cry as hard as he did back then.

 

 When Dirk did get there, he took you out for ice cream without a second thought, which was really weird.  It did cheer you up, but when you got home it was to the sounds of kissing so you walked right back out.  Dirk had tried to run after you, but you would _not_ have any of it.  You ran through the woods and right into an empty parking lot, then ripped off your wig.

 

 You shed everything that you thought made you look like the woman you felt you were, then wiped off your make up.   You sat there for several hours just thinking about how much you hated your body before you walked home.

 

 The house was quiet and you felt sick, you caught yourself in the mirror and it was your brother looking back at you.  Your brother with _hair_.

 

 This was awful.

 

\--

 

 “Calliope?” Roxy is the first to wake up and enter the kitchen, as always.  You look up from the breakfast table and smile at her. “Oh my god, what happened to your hair?” She asks as she covers her mouth.  You laugh and run a hand over your head.

 

 “I shaved it all off.” With a shrug you pick up your coffee mug and take a sip.

 

 “But… why?” She sits across from you and you smile at her.

 

 “Because I recently had my heart broken, and the best cure for that is a haircut.” She laughs, but pulls herself together.

 

 “Oh gosh sweet heart, who was it, do I know tem?  I’ll beat them up for you!” Her offer makes you want to reach across the table and kiss her.

 

 “No, Roxy, it’s fine.  You don’t know her, not like I do.” She frowns and takes your hand.

 

 “It’ll get better, I know you’ll find someone.  You’re such a beautiful woman, Calliope, boy and girls are banging down our door to get to you,” You watch her knock on the underside of the table. “Hear that, that must be them now.” You laugh and watch her go to the front door to ‘tell them to come back later.’

 

 You’re not worth all her cheer, all her devoted kindness.  You’re not worth the friendship she or Jane extends to you.  You are legally Callop English with the seven-inch cock you tuck against your body and hate with all your might, you are ‘Cal’s twin brother who got beat to shit and back for being such a faggot in school and wearing dresses.’  You are the one who got kicked out when you were fifteen for being a freak of nature.

 

 You are a woman trapped in the body of a man, a spitting image of your brother.  Today you’ll go into a therapy clinic to talk about hormones, and then you’ll talk about legally changing your name.

 

 But for now, at least while Roxy smiles at you, you don’t need any of it.

 

 Because you’re a woman.  You’re Calliope English.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [FuLLY MALE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/637050) by [Sugercube75](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugercube75/pseuds/Sugercube75)




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